RANDOM - What’s going on with all these wrinkly blokes with receding hairlines invading our videogames?
Where’s my Abercrombie?
By Randy Pitchfork
12/04/24
It was bad enough when we had to stare at Dom and Marcus’ steroid infused jaw lines for a trilogy of puffed up ogre’s. Then Red Dead Redemption came along with its own grubby protagonist. Then to top if off, GTA V made two of its three playable characters squinty white dudes in desperate need of a toupee. Maybe you enjoy looking at uglyfied (?) men, but that’s you.
This is a sinister movement, to take our heroic white stallions and turn them into treacle. What are we supposed to do? Re-skin everyone as Dave Bautista? Now wouldn’t that be something. No, this is clearly a woke liberal agenda to take the entertainment we cherish enough to bitch about on Twitter and transform it into an echo chamber of uggos (?).
There’s only one thing we can do. One thing we must do. Vote with our wallets. Don’t buy any games that have male characters that have been deliberately designed to look worse. We might live in attics, desperately trying to stimulate some blood flow to our one inch peens. But we shall not be silenced. You know… it’s always the hairline. No reason to give every man in AAA games a widows peak. So why do they do it?
…
Eyeroll.
TARPS?
At the bottom of some of our articles, you’ll see a series of absurd looking images (with equally stupid, in joke laden names). These are the TARP badges, which represent our ‘Totally Accurate Rating Platform’. They allow us to identify specific things, recognise positive or negative aspects of a games design, and generally indulge our consistent silliness with some visual tomfoolery.
